pRelationship

One of the main problems in relationships is the inability of partners to take feedback and criticism. Many times constructive criticism can end up being destructive to the relationship.  This doesn’t have to be the case is we understand what criticism really is.

Lets first define criticism in a way that will make this topic a lot more palatable: “Criticism, the request for adjustment in behavior from another”. Yes, criticism is a normal part of life, part of friction we feel dealing with each other and our own individual preferences. But it doesn’t have to be always seen as a negative event.

The common view of criticism is that it is offensive, an insult, an affront, an attack. Perhaps it is all those things sometimes, but most often, it is none of those, especially when you have the right perspective. In a true relationship, criticism often means that the person cares enough about the relationship to risk causing a negative reaction. Otherwise why bother asking for change?

The key is that we do not give feedback to people we do not want in our lives. We only take the risk to give feedback to the people who we want to keep; who we hope will accommodate our desires, at least somewhat.

We all have issues, we all do things that are not good for us, not good for those around us. And so when someone cares enough to risk giving us feedback, perhaps we should take that as a sign of caring, of love, rather than being offended. Feedback, because it involves so much risk for the person giving feedback, is an act of courage and caring.

Feedback can be an opportunity for building intimacy, if taken correctly. Feedback shows you that you are being seen and being noticed. When someone gives feedback, this can be a door to true intimacy, because intimacy begins with seeing each other.

Want the moment of criticism or feedback to be a door for more intimacy and love in your relationship, as opposed to the moment the relationship breaks or ends? Here’s how.  When getting feedback or criticism, open your heart, even thought it may hurt or it may make you feel ashamed that you are not perfect.

Here are 5  simple relationship tips and steps to follow when you receive criticism.

1) Dig deep, look for the reasons you do what you do, share them with the person giving you feedback.

2) Ask him or her what the intent of the criticism or feedback was. Ask him or her what she or he was trying to achieve by verbalizing the feedback. When you hear that he or she wants you, except this one thing needs to change, hear that.

3) Consider perhaps if that one thing is something you already think you need to change for yourself? If so this is just confirmation of what you already know. Take it as such.

4) Ask yourself truthfully, Would your life be better if you changed that thing?

5) Consider whether you should be hurt because someone can see you; because yet another person asks you to change the same thing as many other people have asked for? Or perhaps you could consider being grateful, because you end up with people in your life who care about your enough to ask for an alteration so that they can keep you in their life. Don’t let pride and shame stop you from performing this important step.

Taking feedback and allowing it to mold you into a better, more open, and flexible person is the key. It’s also a great way to build relationships, as you turn potentially relationship-killing situations into opportunities for more closeness.

Found another great article from Bob Grant that gets to the very heart of a problem a lot of women have when it comes to progressing in a relationship.  It has some great insights and tips for women who are struggling with attracting  developing relationships with men. Most women have been told that men don’t like women who are needy or overly emotional.   This may have sounded like good advice but it’s only a half truth. Men also do not like women who show no emotion or passion and are totally independent. That’s the other side of the coin. Let it be known up front that playing it cool and acting emotionally detached as a lifestyle doesn’t work very well with men. However, when it comes to getting a man back after a breakup, playing it cool, can be very helpful in restoring a failing relationship.

Let’s go a little further and you’ll see why. They’ve probably had experiences that validated those stereotypes about men. Perhaps one of a woman’s past boyfriends complained about the fact that she wanted to spend too much time together. He may have said something to the extent of, “Why can’t you be happy doing your own thing?” This may give the false impression that he is saying the she is too “needy”. But that is not necessarily the case.

Another example: Other women get married and hear from their husbands something similar to that statement. For example, a man might ask, “Why do you get upset when I don’t want to spend as much time together as you do?” Regardless of how you interpret these messages, it can hurt when a man you care about seems to look down on your desire for closeness and intimacy. As a result, a woman’s response is often predictable. In an effort to not appear “needy”, many women choose to overcompensate and make certain that they can never be accused of being weak, stupid or needy. They learn to manage their feelings and to never complain unless they have ample evidence that justifies their feelings. In short, they learn to “play it cool” and act as if very little upsets them.

But what happens when women choose this path? They accomplish their goal of appearing strong and self sufficient. In time, all of the men in their life will soon respect them but very few are attracted to them. It’s a perfectly safe way to live, and there’s nothing wrong with this approach. It’s just lonely.

Professional women, both married and single, boast about how they don’t need a man, but they’d just like an equal relationship based on mutual respect. But because their relationships lack passion, they wonder why being independent and strong doesn’t seem to be valued by men.

The answer is that while these women have trained men to respect them, in the process, they have abandoned what men really want - to be cherished. Why can’t they have both? A relationship is about complimentary styles working together to create a whole. In the work environment, all  interactions are about being respected. But in a relationship, a man wants to cherish a woman, not respect her. This requires her to learn how to put her heart first.

Have you ever seen those women who are NOT as the most attractive or sophisticated, but they just “know” how to attract men and drive them “crazy” with desire? They have a “natural” ability to be irresistible to men, so men are always asking them out and working hard for their attention.

So let me ask you? Whether you’re married or single, are you ready to stop acting like you don’t need a man? Do you want to experience the joy that comes from being cherished or do you insist that he respects you?
It’s true, it is safer playing it cool, but a man won’t feel passion for such a woman. So if you chose that path, prepare to be lonely.

I found this article to be right on point and filled with good advice for women when it comes to communicating with men.  It clearly explains how to tell him what you want and how you feel without shutting him down. Thought I’d share it with you.

For so long, women have asked this simple, but elusive question, “Why does he shut down when I start to talk about how I feel and what I want?” What seems so perplexing is that they can remember a time (usually early in their dating relationship) when they felt they could say anything to him without hesitation.  In addition, they can also remember that he actually seemed to enjoy these discussions that were often full of emotions. So they are left to ask themselves - “Why did he change?” or even worse…”What did I do wrong?”
Let me explain what’s happening to him during this process.

Men have the capacity to feel emotions for shorter periods of time than women. Put another way, when men feel, they feel intensely, and then they crash. This applies to sex, when they feel romantic and applies anything else in their life that arouses their passions. Even though I hear women tell me that they understand this point, I have found it is still hard for them to accept when this scenario happens in their relationships.
When a man is very attentive and hyper focused on what you are saying, I want you to remember this…it isn’t going to last. Even though it feels wonderful to be adored in such a captivating manner that is often intoxicating, you must remind yourself not to expect it to last indefinitely. The good news is that if you know how to respond when he does pull away, you will hasten his emotional awakening to you.

The process looks like this:
A man feels intensely about you.
Then he cools off (he needs to take an emotional break).
Then he warms up again and feels intensely.
Then he cools off.
Continue and repeat.

Here is some good advice for women about the things you shouldn’t do. In fact, if you take the following actions, he’ll stay emotionally distant for much longer:
1) Don’t ask him to explain his feelings.
2) Don’t tell him how much it hurts you when he doesn’t talk.
3) Don’t beg him to ……..(Really, don’t ever beg him for anything. You’ll end up driving him away)

Instead you should do the following. When he is quiet, sit with him. Don’t say anything. When you do this, both of you will find that it becomes just a bit tense - uncomfortable. You want this to happen. Silence is uncomfortable but in this case silence is your friend. If you can practice allowing there to be silence between both of you, you will notice him beginning to ask you questions.
“What’s wrong,” he’ll say.
“What?”
When he does, just smile. He’s not ready just yet, but he is curious. Now you’ll have him thinking and wondering. Most women would never consider such a tactic, which is what will make you stand out in his eyes. Shortly, he’ll not only start talking, but he’ll find himself focused on you.

I see so many people asking questions about how to get a men to commit to a relationship. Most of the time the women are frustrated when they’ve done everything they know to do (which is usually too much) and their man still shies away from commitment.  They think  maybe he just doesn’t know how to communicate his commitment and they assume he is committed.  (Big mistake). Or often they think it’s something they haven’t done or something they haven’t done enough of that will win his heart and get him to commit.

One of the biggest secrets that most women don’t understand is that a man who has difficulty with commitment is also a man that is afraid of being abandoned. Women think that they are the only ones concerned with security in a relationship. They fail to realize that men are also concerned with security and will often think of vulnerability when faced with the decision of commitment. Will I go through all they steps to open up and become vulnerable just to see it all go down the tubes in the future. They may be basing this on a previous experience or the experience of a close friend.

Either way, women must understand that the only way to get him to commit is to alleviate his fears and let him know that through it all you are committed to him. Follow this link  more relationship advice or go to  www.Prelationship.com

Many women are clueless when it come to understanding a man especially when he is quiet and has few words to say.  But when a man does open his mouth to talk it is imperative for the woman to know and understand what he is saying. If she doesn’t, chances are he will think twice before opening his mouth again and will turn into the dreaded “silent man” that most women are desperately trying to avoid. Here are a few relationship tips for women when it comes to understanding what a man means when he says things. It’s not all inclusive but gives some incite into the common responses men give and what they really mean.

1) He Says: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

This phrase could usually mean one of two things, depending on the situation.
Situation A: If you are attempting to convince him that your point of view is right and his is wrong, then his response means: I’m not going to agree with you right now, and if we don’t stop talking then we’re going to get into a
huge fight.”

Suggestion: Leave him alone for now. Unless your relationship depends on resolving this issue immediately, then bring it up later (next day).

If he’s upset, not at you or with you, but simply because he is having a bad day (i.e., a bad day a work, his car broke down, etc..), then the above response means: “It feels embarrassing that this is bothering me so much. I’m feeling out of control.”

Suggestion: Say this to him in a soft voice, “Are you sure?” and then wait. If he says that he does not want to discuss it, then wait a few moments and once again say, - “Are you sure?” Most of the time when you ask it a second time he’ll start opening up to you and (even better) he bond with you because you were soft and persistent.

2) He Says: “We should hang out sometime.”
He Means: “I’m not sure if I think you’re special enough to take a risk on inviting you out on a date. Let’s hang out as friends and see if I feel you are worthy of my time and attention.”

Suggestion: Don’t agree to this. Just smile at him without responding. That should be all the encouragement a man needs. Guys that are easily bored or impulsive want lots of assurances before they proceed to date a woman. They types of men, although often attractive to women, usually make terrible partners.

3) He Says: “That’s not what I meant.”
He Means: “You’re not listening to me.”

Suggestion: Listening is not the same as agreeing. If he doesn’t feel that you’re listening to him, then you have no chance in getting him to understand your point of view. Even though you may well have understood him, he does not necessarily know that. Often in a discussion or disagreement, one person who in fact may clearly understand the other, makes a quick counterpoint. That is fine if you are in a debate, but terrible for romance.

Suggestion: Slow it down. Make sure that you clearly convey that you’ve understood exactly what he is saying and then proceed (slowly). By doing this you’ll be able to determine if he is attempting to avoid responsibility, lying, or if he truly wants to resolve the issue.

I ran across a great article from one of my favorite media experts on relationships, Bob Grant.  It’s entitled “She Admires - He Cherishes”.  It really drives the point across about what REALLY turns a man’s fancy and what really makes a fulfilling relationship. Read and enjoy:

“What does a healthy relationship look like? Some people believe that this means that two people engaging in a mutually respectful relationship. On paper that may sound good. But to be honest, there’s no passion in that kind of safe and sterile relationship. A relationship that is full of passion has many characteristics. There is one in particular that I wanted to point out.”

Note, one  major key ingredient to a fulfilling relationship is passion.

“The best relationships don’t focus on equality, but rather on two people complimenting each other. This is like two pieces of a puzzle. Each one needs the other to be complete. If you want the type of man that makes you feel special most of the time, then I’d like to make a suggestion. Forget trying to get him to talk about his feelings all the time. Stop asking him questions that are designed to make him reaffirm his love for you. Instead, for the next few weeks focus on pointing out anything he does that you are impressed by.”

Note, the key is focusing on giving to get what you want.  Give him admiration and he will cherish you.

“Talk to him about anything that he does that you feel is special or kind. In other words, look for ways to show your admiration for him.If you do, you’ll stand out in his mind from any other woman he has every dated. And here is the reason why. Most women are very observant early on in a relationship because they tend to emote emotions. If you didn’t know, a man feeds off of that emotion, and for women it’s quite effortless to do this when she’s interested in a man. What happens in most relationships is that each partner begins to take the other for granted, and each wonders where the romantic spark went.”

Key Point!  Men feed off positive emotion. Especially when it’s in response to something they have done or something that relates to them.

“The truth is that relationships often die due to neglect. If you want to revive your relationship, try this. Whenever he does something you like, don’t just acknowledge it - show your emotions. I’m not asking you to lie or pretend you like something that you don’t, but I am saying this, “Don’t hold back your emotion when you like something he does.” When you show your admiration, he’ll be reminded why he pursued you at the beginning of your relationship. As those feelings get stirred up in his heart, you’ll soon see that he will want to cherish you all over again.”

Remember, show and tell and you’ll get and receive.

The search for Mr./Ms. Right can sometimes be a long and frustrating experience.  Romantic relationships don’t often come by luck but rather, as the cliche’ says, “when opportunity and preparedness meet”.  The sad truth is that opportunities abound but they are often overlooked by the unprepared. Even when potential relationships do not progress as anticipated, many times frustration will cause us to just give up and begin looking elsewhere. However, it would be to our best interest to spend time fostering that potential connection with a possible partner in anticipation that Mr./Ms. Right will soon appear.

If you feel romantic about someone, by all means flirt and clearly communicate that you are interested in pursuing the relationship past friendship so that the other person knows of your interest. Take it slow, but not too slow!  Whatever you do, endeavor to do whatever you can so that the initial excitement and momentum do not fade away. Within that initial excitement and momentum you will usually find your answer.  (Is this Mr./Ms. Right?) Once you have your answer your next steps will be easily determined from there.

Remember these tips for singles who want to be prepared:

1) Always define yourself by who you are, not by who you’re with. Don’t try to be everything to everybody. Just aim to be the best “you” you can be.

2) Build your confidence.  Men and women alike are attracted to confident people with high self-esteem. Lack of confidence is easily detected by potential partners.  It gives off the vibe that you aren’t ready to fully enjoy a new relationship with someone because you aren’t yet content with yourself. To help build confidence, you can read Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.

3) Know thyself, don’t fool thyself! Take the time to know yourself, develop your personality, and learn to like yourself. These are important skills to have before seeking a mate. You’ll be better prepared and equipped to approach a new partner with more to offer.

4) Invest in yourself. You might want to think about taking a self-esteem seminar, or maybe a workshop about building relationships. There are so many  books to read on relationships and dating that there is no excuse for ignorance.  Check out the website www.prelationship.com where you’ll find relationship tips and advice and lots of step-by-step instructions on approaching men and women, making the transition from friendship to romantic relationship, and ultimately finding the elusive Mr./Ms. Right.

In my searching around the internet I ran across these tips for guys on knowing when a woman is attracted to you.  I hope these relationship tips and advice for men will help you decide if she is worth pursuing or if you are just wasting your time.

Before we start here’s a background note.  Women are known to be talkative.  However, a woman is a “bilingual” to a certain extent, and she is as articulate in body language as she is in the words on paper. Therefore, when it comes to feelings and relationships, women use both forms to convey their message. Hence, the only way to succeed in analyzing if the woman really likes you is to listen closely and decode her body language.
Here is a list of the most common moves that would literally tell you that she is interested in you and tips on how to respond to these actions.

Tip 1:  Self-stroking

You are talking to a woman and you notice her slowly running her hand up and down her forearm.  It is a tactile woman!

She loves the feel of things on her hand, and most probably the rest of her body. A simple movement like that speaks pages. It is like telling you, “Look at my hand, pretend it is yours.”

What to do:  Give her a few strokes but keep your hands on neutral territory.
A touch on the shoulder, a tap on the top of her hand would be enough. If she is telling you what you hope she is telling you, she will easily focus her tactile fixation on you.

Tip 2:  The Hair-Behind-Ear Tuck

Most women have this technique down pat. It may be an affection of the typical and much sought-after demure lady.

For the most part, it shows that your girl is a preneer. She likes to have every strand of hair to be in place; and a single one of them is out of line. That is the ear tuck power.

What to do: Pay her a compliment. Any compliment will do, but a “I like your hair like that” may just be the ticket that she has been waiting from you.

Tip 3: Puppy Dog Eyes

Awww! She is so cute. Those big doe eyes are practically begging for assistance. She needs your help and you must willingly give it.

Although this tactic is used mostly for flat tires and bus seats, it works quite well in the flirting and pick-up scene as well.

What to do: When the puppy dog’s eyes come on, jump into action. Snap your fingers and order a drink for her. Offer her a chair. Do not overdo it though, because women are totally capable of themselves, and the only reason why she appears like a damsel in distress is the fact that she likes you and she is interested to know you better.

Tip 4: The Laugh and Touch Combo

At an appropriate time in the conversation, you whip out your favorite joke to seal the deal with your date. She laughs unabashedly, leans towards you, and plants an unassuming hand on your thigh, arm, or shoulder.

So she thinks you are funny, right? Wrong. The upside down, though, is that she is into you, downright interested in you, despite the  joke. This is her way of showing you that she is easy to get along with and open to possibilities that involve you.

What to do: Talk about things that border on the intimate, but end with a self-deprecating joke. This will keep you from going too heavy but at the same time, it sends out the signal that you like her too and that you are comfortable with her.

Providing the appropriate responses to these common moves will launch you both into the exciting world of the “getting-to-know-you-better” stage.

Women are always looking for tips and advice about how to get closer to a man.  It true that every woman wants to bond with her man emotionally but very few know what’s most important  concerning getting a man to bond with you.  My first advice is to remember and recognize that men don’t bond the same way as women.  So the methods they use to bond with other women will not work with a man.

When women ask how to get closer to the man they love, they are often implying something different. What they are really asking is “How do I get him to bond with me the way that I want?”,  “How can I get him to be more romantic?” or “How can I make him share his feelings more?”

Notice that what they are asking in the statements above is “How do I get him to want to do what I do?” The first thing that a woman needs to do is to realize that bonding with a man isn’t the same as getting him to do what she wants.

Once you have made this realization, you will see that getting a man to bond with you is simpler than most women realize. You must understand there is a process that must be followed and these next few relationship tips and advice for women will help you follow that process. However, this process doesn’t usually involve the activities that most women would prefer.  For a man, one of the greatest thrills is having a woman share a wonderful activity that HE enjoys.

Women, take careful note of this important tip;

If you don’t stir up his emotions, he won’t connect with you on the level that you want.

Which brings us to the next point- what causes his emotions to be stirred is most likely not what affects your emotions. That’s why going on a picnic or watching a romantic movie doesn’t have much of an effect on a man. Men bond through a shared activity. On the other hand, women bond though shared words and thoughts. Sitting down next to him while he’s watching a football game may seem as exciting as watching paint dry to you, but for him it’s pure heaven. He’s got you close and he gets to watch something he enjoys. The mistake many women make is they sit with a man while he watches something he enjoys and tries to talk to him. Woman, that’s not the time for talking!

The good news is that you don’t have to do this all the time. Just every so often, step into his world of sports, hobbies or whatever interests him as his partner. You’ll soon begin to notice how close he feels toward you.

Many women are so easily caught up in conversation about day to day things and the event of the household that they fail to share the most important things with their man. As a result of this oversight, many men become uninterested and numb to the constant dialog of their woman. So my advice for the woman to keep the relationship fresh and on track, it that it’s important for woman to share these 3 things regularly with their man. If they don’t, sooner or later he may find someone else who will.

1.   He wants you to share when you’re proud of him…  If you didn’t know this already, men really like to show off.  Just be sure it’s something you really do like because if you praise him, you’ll likely get more of it.

2.   He wants you to share when you’re upset, and let him know what he can do to help…  The important thing is to give him a task that he can do to help. If you just want him to listen - tell him.  Don’t expect him to “just know” that is what you need.  A man often feels like he’s being weak just sitting there while you’re hurting.  He wants to fix it.  Ask him to listen, and tell him how good that makes you feel.

3.    He wants you to share when you’re excited and happy…  If more women only understood how important it is for a man to be able to make you happy, it would change the complexion of many a relationship. Remember, men aren’t nearly as intuitive as your girlfriends are.  Men learn by watching your reaction. A good reaction (full of nice happy feelings) means do this more. A bad reaction (when you cry or get upset) means don’t do that again.

Yes ladies, men really are that simple….