pRelationship

If you’re having boyfriend problems you’re not alone.  It you are like most other females you will probably admit that you totally do not understand what is on his mind or what he is thinking a lot of times. He might even seem distant at times and his communication with you might even be limited to the point he may possibly be keeping secrets from you.

Your sneaky suspicion may tell you that there is a chance for a third party, a more attractive woman, to come in the relationship and steal your boyfriend from you.

Guys are notorious for looking and letting their eyes wander to other women that are just more attractive than you and it’s difficult to keep them in restraint.  Some of them even watch pornography but this doesn’t mean that they are not interested in you. Before you jump to conclusions, consider that it may just be that your relationship is just in the rifts because of something he’s going through or other difference between you and him.

The bottom line is if the love isn’t there anymore, that may be the main cause of your boyfriend problems. You may want to do a love check to determine if you are giving him the love he needs but may not ask for. With so many potential causes within the relationship, there is no single way to prevent all these boyfriend problems. If you have been in the relationship for quite some time already it’s probably best to get some relationship help in resolving the relationship problems and saving the relationship.  Don’t lose hope, there are simple relationship tips to use and even ways to give him what he really wants from the relationship.

Thinking about marriage or getting serious in your relationship? Here are three things you must know about yourself and about your partner if you’re serious about taking the next step.

1) The first thing you need to know is your temperament and personality style and that of your partner. A simple relationship compatibility test will do for starters.  It’s important to understand what things excite you and what things excite your partner. You need to know what motivates you and your partner so you don’t spend your time pushing buttons that don’t work and expecting your buttons to be pushed. Everyone is different and you must be able to adjust yourself to your partner’s temperament without getting frustrated. If you are a person who likes drama, romance and classic movies you need to know if your partner has the same taste. They may like action, adventure and sci-fi movies that excite them. Knowledge is everything. If you know it, then you can deal with it accordingly and not take it personal if your partner doesn’t appreciate your movies. Then you can properly balance your activities so that they are enjoyed by both parties. A good book on this subject is “Personality Plus” by Florence Littauer.

2) The next thing is a good understanding of your learning and teaching styles and your individual focus levels. Everyone doesn’t learn and teach the same way. There are many people who are active learners and teachers and find it much easier to absorb information what they are active, moving, or stimulated in some way. Many times you find these people with the TV on or playing music while they read or study and always fidgeting with something. To some they may seem hyperactive but to them they are just doing what comes natural for them. Others will require total silence and stillness in order to focus or concentrate. They have a hard time dealing with distractions while they are engaged in something. So it’s important to determine what your learning style is and the style of your partner so you don’t irritate each other. It may be that you need separate rooms to study in or a nice pair of headphones so you can avoid distracting each other. Whatever you do, don’t try to force the other person to convert to your style. It just won’t work.

3) Lastly you must know your love language and the love language of your partner. People express and receive love in different ways. Many great healthy relationships are ruined because the partners don’t understand the love language of their mate. The five love languages are best described in the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman:  Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. In order to express heartfelt love and commitment to your mate you must speak their language. Expressions of love in a way that they don’t understand are simple a waste of time. If you learn to speak and understand the unique languages of love and know what language your partner speaks you can effectively express your love as well as feel truly loved in return.

Maintaining a strong and healthy relationship isn’t easy for most couples. After a certain amount of time it can be difficult to remember that your sweetheart needs to be treated with all of the same respect and courtesy simply because you have become used to their presence.

Though the tasks that fill each day often leave little time to place any real emphasis on the status of individual relationships it may be helpful to take the time, every once in a while, to air out any reoccurring issues or even just to give praise where praise is due. Remember that even the most romantic and deeply in love couples may still need a little love help from time to time. Addressing any relationship problems that may be occurring in your relationship before they become too deeply rooted to solve can help keep you and your partner happy for the rest of your lives.

Phase One: Snatching Time

Obviously in order to give your relationship the full attention it deserves you may not to place a few things on hold for a day or two. Trying to work around your occupation or any other actions which may intrude upon your concentration should be set aside as much as possible.

Be sure that during the time you plan to devote to attending to the needs of your relationship, whether that length is an hour or a week, which you will not be interrupted. The reason for this strict breaking away from everything else in your life is that one simple distraction can completely ruin a train of thought. Once you and your partner reach a point of open communication it could be very harmful to your progress to endure constant interruptions.

If you find that your life is simply too busy to take a large portion of time away it can still be productive just to set aside a couple of hours. Remember that the main idea in attending to your relationship is that you care enough to make sure that everything is healthy and strong between you and the person you love.

Phase Two: Checking In

Once you and your partner have found a way to seclude yourselves from the world and are both comfortable you may find that the conversation drags a little without the influences that your daily life can bring. Beginning by asking your partner about how they feel in general, on a daily basis can be a great way to get things started. Urge your sweetheart to discuss their feelings, for good or bad, so that you can get a good idea of how they are feeling.

Remember that checking in on your relationship does not mean that you will necessarily find giant, horrible problems that have been building up under the surface. It may be that after having an open discussion with your partner that you find the complaints are minimal and for the most part your relationship is tip-top. If this is the case you can use the time to reconnect, go out and have some fun together as perhaps you have been unable to do for a while. Always keep in mind that where your heart is concerned it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Phase Three: Identify and Plan

During the course of your conversation your may discover some issues that either you or your partner have had for some time, but have been unattended because you have both been too busy to truly take a look at the problem.

When these issues come up in the conversation it is important that you each maintain a healthy and relaxed attitude about what is being said. If either you or your partner should become hostile or defensive you may want to take a break until a calmer state of mind can be reached. The point of such a discussion is not to place blame, but to strengthen your bonds and anger will not help you reach this goal.

After discussing and agreeing upon problems which can be worked on by either one or both of you it is important to map out a plan for how these changes will be made and how you will keep track of the progress, depending upon the severity of the issue. Understanding that making such changes will benefit you and your partner by strengthening your relationship is important, rather than taking on each issue as a personal failure.

Phase Four: Agree, Relax and Reacquaint

Though it may take some time and compromise to reach an agreement, you and your partner are both capable of solving just about any problem that you share. Once the problems and solutions have been discussed and agreed upon it is important not to neglect a sort of cool down for your efforts.

If after experiencing such an intense situation you and your partner should simply return to your daily grinds you may find that some unhappy feelings of resentment or negativity follow you home and taint the entire experience. Checking in on your relationship should not promote negative feelings, but it can be difficult not to feel this way when the entire experience seemed to be just that.

For these reasons it is important to set aside some time after you have accomplished your goals to relax and enjoy each others company. Take the time to reconnect and allow for some real detail in the conversation, which you may normally skip due to time constraints. Enjoy taking the time to do some of those things which you love to do, but seldom have time for with each other.

Many couples find that after working on their relationship problems and then continuing on with their getaway in order to spend some quality time together, that they feel like newlyweds. Reconnecting with each other through both productive and playful activities can help you to feel closer to your partner than you may have in years and this feeling often lasts well after the actual event.

Just as in most of other aspects of life, leaving anything unattended for too long may allow it to become dusty, stale or even ruined. Take the time to do a little spring cleaning in your relationship and enjoy a happier rest of the year together.

Alison Sardelli

At the heart of any relationship whether partner to partner, husband and wife, parent and child, or just friend to friend is the friendship factor, the essential ingredient of warmth and caring.  However the secret of how to love and be loved rests in your ability to produce and cultivate intimacy.  When properly developed, it leads to a warm and healthy relationship, makes you a more lovable person, allows for better communication, and squelches tension in your relationship. Here are a few tips and guidelines that will help you cultivate intimacy in your relationships and change the way you love.

1. Use your Body to Demonstrate Warmth - Learn the Art of Touching

Our bodies are the best tools for achieving genuine intimacy.  You’ve heard over and over again about the importance of body language but seldom is it discussed in the context of intimacy.  If you observe people who have deep relationships you’ll find that they have tuned their sense of touch and are skilled at when, how, and how often to use it when they are with people. They understand that frequent body contact is essential for keeping communication at a warm level.   They understand that there is a universal longing to be touched in both man and animals.  It is said that with babies, before they understand the love of a mother’s kiss, they understand the love of a mother’s touch.  So remember in your interactions that in addition to your verbal communication built intimacy with your non-verbal communication.  Touch often and regularly.

2. Learn the Art of Affirmation - Be Liberal with Compliments and Praise

Learn to always be ready to say something good about the other person. Train your mind to find the positive things in other people and once you find something good, immediately highlight it with a heart-felt compliment.  If you have a sliver of criticism make sure you sandwich it between two healthy slices of praise.  Be particularly mindful of areas to boost their self image. This will draw the person closer to you and increase their desire to be in your presence.  Remember the simple act of affirmation, undeserved and unexpected attention, is a big step towards lasting intimacy.

3. Never Stop Talking and Never Stop Listening - Learn the Art of Doing Two Things at Once

This is pretty self explanatory. Learn to art of conversation which includes both talking and listening.  Many of us are highly skilled in one or the other but few are skilled at both.  Learn to have balance in your conversations and realize that sensitivity is important to gain intimacy in your relationship.  You’ve got to know when it’s time to listen and how to let the other person know “You are free to talk. I’m ready and willing to listen.”   Learn to balance their eagerness to talk with your eagerness to listen. Finally learn to add touch and affirmation to your conversations to produce the bond of intimacy that will last throughout your relationship.

As you have already discovered, there are different types of people and their type affects how they communicate. There are literal (black and white) people and then there are people who live in the gray areas. This post is just a quick reminder of the differences in two types of people, the Sensors and the Intuitives. It will hopefully give you some relationship tips and incite into how to effectively communicate with both types as you build your relationships.

The Literal person - The Sensor
When it comes to communication some people are literal, they are very specific in the way they talk. They want specific facts and specific answers that are to-the-point. They take things very literally and avoid speculation. They end sentences with a period. They tend to follow routines and schedules and are diligent to read instructions. One of the problems is that this person can be a little too detailed, they can’t see the forest for the trees.

The Not-So-Literal person - The Intuitive
The opposite of the literal person, the intuitive person can think and talk about several things at once. They don’t worry about being late: “If I’m not there, it hasn’t started yet.” They jump from one idea to another. They follow their hunches. They don’t read instructions unless absolutely necessary, (the last resort) and are more interested in generalities. They end sentences with a dash. Unfortunately this person can be a generalist and often can’t see the trees for the forest.

So which one are you and which one best describes your partner? It’s important to know so you will understand how best to communicate with your partner. Here are some simple tips.

The punctuation clue: A sensor can ask an intuitive, “Is that with a period or with a dash?” Sometimes an Intuitive can say something that they dont’ really mean or may change later and this question helps understand on-hold type answers and gives the intuitive more time to think about their statement.

The bottom line: The intuitive can learn to say to the sensor, “This is the bottom line.” This is the signal to the sensor that the intuitive has finally arrived at what the sensor was waiting for.  This talks directly to the way the other understands. The sensor must also learn to relax and be patient  through the long, winding answers from the intuitive as he or she makes their way to their point. Likewise, the intuitive must also learn to relax through long, detailed answers from the sensor and learn to appreciate the information they receive.

The rating scale: If a sensor’s answer seems bland or non-expressive to his or her intuitive, they can try asking how they would rate something on a scale of 1 to 10. Often it’s a little more expressive.

The shopping spree: Sensors, when shopping, usually call first and then go directly for what they need. Intuitives on the other hand are “grazers”. They tend to spend a lot of time browsing. The same is true in their speech. Sensors are normally prepared and have already decided on what they will say while intuitive are more likely to adlib and make it up as they go. So if you are a sensor you must understand that you partner the intuitive may take some time to arrive at what he or she is trying to say. It’s important not to take the first thing that comes out of their mouth as their opinion. Give them some time to formulate what they are saying before you jump to conclusions. On the other hand, intuitives should not be intimidated by the forcefulness and authority coming from the sensor’s reply.  Many times they are just reciting the scripts that were written long in advance. Asking questions and being attentive will help you find their real feelings and opinions.

So be flexible and learn to adapt to the other’s style on conversation remembering not to go overboard in your own conversation style.

One things that has been proven to increase the romance in your relationship is the ability to talk in romantic codes. By this I mean speaking in codes that only you and your partner understand. This way you draw your partner in closer to you with this exclusive code that only the two of you  understands and it makes your partner feel privileged to be able to converse and respond to you. Here’s some relationship advice I’ll share with you from my personal experience and believe me it works!

I started with a very simple code years ago that I used over and over again with great success and over the years expanded on it as needed. I’ll share it with you since it is pretty old now and I don’t think my partner would mind. The first one was 1-4-3 which stood for “I Love You” based on the number of letters in each word. So when I would say 1-4-3 or use my fingers to show 1-4-3 I would immediately get a big smile or a loving response. I would write it on the bathroom mirror in the mornings with dry erase markers, send it in a text message or love letters, or say it softly at the end of a phone call. The favorite time to use it is when we’re out with friends or family and in the middle of the their conversation I would flash the numbers on my fingers so she could see them and I’d watch her smile and blush. It really set the mood for our private time later that evening. Soon we developed a coded response which was 1-4-3-2 which was an encrypted way of saying “I Love You Too” with the 2 being a symbol for the word “too”.

From there I realized that 1-4-3 could be used to mean other things like “I Miss You” or “I Want You” or “I Need You”. So we expanded the code for writing to be the following: 1-4-3 and a smile means I love you. 1-4-3 and a sad face means “I Miss You”, 1-4-3 exclamation point means “I Want You”. Of course, the response I always got was 1-4-3-2. Hope it works for you.

Check back for many other romance codes that work for me. I’ll post them if my wife says it’s OK. Besides, this is just between she and I. It’s personal!

Of all the good relationship tips and love advice I’ve seen and shared, this one tip is,  in my opinion, the greatest way to boost your romantic relationship and its the practice of giving inanimate objects a name and a personality. I know this might sound a little crazy but this practice is very helpful for people who have challenges carrying on a romantic conversation.  It gives you “someone” to talk about in a romantic and sometimes humorous way.  I refer to them as my “friends”.

For example, a woman’s breasts can be referred to as “the twins”.  You could even give each them a name. This way when you want to talk romantic you can ask “How are the twins doing? You know I really miss them. Haven’t seen them in a while. I think I need to spend some time with them. ” etc..  This is a lot easier than talking directly about her breasts and it’s a lot more romantic.  The same can be done for other parts of the anatomy (both yours and hers) and it can be limited only by your imagination and boldness.  I have a few names that I use all the time and when I mention them my wife immediately knows I’m talking romantic and she responds accordingly.

Again, it’s up to you to use your imagination and creativity to identify these persons or friends and their individual characteristics and more importantly to stay in touch with them. Don’t go too long without asking about them and giving them some attention. A few of my friends need a lot of attention! I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

Most people know that men and women think, feel and communicate differently. How would you like me to share with you a few dating tips for women that will help you attracted a man? We will share some feedback from men about what draws a man to a lady even if she doesn’t look like a movie star.

The Secret: the lady who smiles

Smiling is a powerful tool when it comes to seeming approachable to us guys. Smiling gives the impression that the lady is not only confident but also playful. Don’t worry about giving guys a false message by favoring us with a beautiful smile; we take it to be saying that you are amiable towards us. It makes us more apt to start a conversation with you because we sometimes need a sign or indication that you want to talk to us. Remember a smile is just not with the mouth. It can also be with the eyes.

Listening is golden

Women sometimes have a tendency to take over a conversation. Some women listen for a short while then focus the conversation on their perspective. Even though men don’t usually need deep and meaningful talking to get our point across, a lady that is a good listener and makes eye contact when she is listening to a man, it demonstrates that you is actually interested in what we say and are really listening to the words and the nuances. Usually men cannot resist a woman that shows us this respect. It is an appealing and alluring quality that very few men can ignore. Listening is not only physical listening but emotional listening. Listening that says i am interested in what you are saying and how you feel about it. That’s what turns most guys on.

Got any additional ideas?  Let us know. We’re listening….