pRelationship

One of the main problems in relationships is the inability of partners to take feedback and criticism. Many times constructive criticism can end up being destructive to the relationship.  This doesn’t have to be the case is we understand what criticism really is.

Lets first define criticism in a way that will make this topic a lot more palatable: “Criticism, the request for adjustment in behavior from another”. Yes, criticism is a normal part of life, part of friction we feel dealing with each other and our own individual preferences. But it doesn’t have to be always seen as a negative event.

The common view of criticism is that it is offensive, an insult, an affront, an attack. Perhaps it is all those things sometimes, but most often, it is none of those, especially when you have the right perspective. In a true relationship, criticism often means that the person cares enough about the relationship to risk causing a negative reaction. Otherwise why bother asking for change?

The key is that we do not give feedback to people we do not want in our lives. We only take the risk to give feedback to the people who we want to keep; who we hope will accommodate our desires, at least somewhat.

We all have issues, we all do things that are not good for us, not good for those around us. And so when someone cares enough to risk giving us feedback, perhaps we should take that as a sign of caring, of love, rather than being offended. Feedback, because it involves so much risk for the person giving feedback, is an act of courage and caring.

Feedback can be an opportunity for building intimacy, if taken correctly. Feedback shows you that you are being seen and being noticed. When someone gives feedback, this can be a door to true intimacy, because intimacy begins with seeing each other.

Want the moment of criticism or feedback to be a door for more intimacy and love in your relationship, as opposed to the moment the relationship breaks or ends? Here’s how.  When getting feedback or criticism, open your heart, even thought it may hurt or it may make you feel ashamed that you are not perfect.

Here are 5  simple relationship tips and steps to follow when you receive criticism.

1) Dig deep, look for the reasons you do what you do, share them with the person giving you feedback.

2) Ask him or her what the intent of the criticism or feedback was. Ask him or her what she or he was trying to achieve by verbalizing the feedback. When you hear that he or she wants you, except this one thing needs to change, hear that.

3) Consider perhaps if that one thing is something you already think you need to change for yourself? If so this is just confirmation of what you already know. Take it as such.

4) Ask yourself truthfully, Would your life be better if you changed that thing?

5) Consider whether you should be hurt because someone can see you; because yet another person asks you to change the same thing as many other people have asked for? Or perhaps you could consider being grateful, because you end up with people in your life who care about your enough to ask for an alteration so that they can keep you in their life. Don’t let pride and shame stop you from performing this important step.

Taking feedback and allowing it to mold you into a better, more open, and flexible person is the key. It’s also a great way to build relationships, as you turn potentially relationship-killing situations into opportunities for more closeness.

Found another great article from Bob Grant that gets to the very heart of a problem a lot of women have when it comes to progressing in a relationship.  It has some great insights and tips for women who are struggling with attracting  developing relationships with men. Most women have been told that men don’t like women who are needy or overly emotional.   This may have sounded like good advice but it’s only a half truth. Men also do not like women who show no emotion or passion and are totally independent. That’s the other side of the coin. Let it be known up front that playing it cool and acting emotionally detached as a lifestyle doesn’t work very well with men. However, when it comes to getting a man back after a breakup, playing it cool, can be very helpful in restoring a failing relationship.

Let’s go a little further and you’ll see why. They’ve probably had experiences that validated those stereotypes about men. Perhaps one of a woman’s past boyfriends complained about the fact that she wanted to spend too much time together. He may have said something to the extent of, “Why can’t you be happy doing your own thing?” This may give the false impression that he is saying the she is too “needy”. But that is not necessarily the case.

Another example: Other women get married and hear from their husbands something similar to that statement. For example, a man might ask, “Why do you get upset when I don’t want to spend as much time together as you do?” Regardless of how you interpret these messages, it can hurt when a man you care about seems to look down on your desire for closeness and intimacy. As a result, a woman’s response is often predictable. In an effort to not appear “needy”, many women choose to overcompensate and make certain that they can never be accused of being weak, stupid or needy. They learn to manage their feelings and to never complain unless they have ample evidence that justifies their feelings. In short, they learn to “play it cool” and act as if very little upsets them.

But what happens when women choose this path? They accomplish their goal of appearing strong and self sufficient. In time, all of the men in their life will soon respect them but very few are attracted to them. It’s a perfectly safe way to live, and there’s nothing wrong with this approach. It’s just lonely.

Professional women, both married and single, boast about how they don’t need a man, but they’d just like an equal relationship based on mutual respect. But because their relationships lack passion, they wonder why being independent and strong doesn’t seem to be valued by men.

The answer is that while these women have trained men to respect them, in the process, they have abandoned what men really want - to be cherished. Why can’t they have both? A relationship is about complimentary styles working together to create a whole. In the work environment, all  interactions are about being respected. But in a relationship, a man wants to cherish a woman, not respect her. This requires her to learn how to put her heart first.

Have you ever seen those women who are NOT as the most attractive or sophisticated, but they just “know” how to attract men and drive them “crazy” with desire? They have a “natural” ability to be irresistible to men, so men are always asking them out and working hard for their attention.

So let me ask you? Whether you’re married or single, are you ready to stop acting like you don’t need a man? Do you want to experience the joy that comes from being cherished or do you insist that he respects you?
It’s true, it is safer playing it cool, but a man won’t feel passion for such a woman. So if you chose that path, prepare to be lonely.

I found this article to be right on point and filled with good advice for women when it comes to communicating with men.  It clearly explains how to tell him what you want and how you feel without shutting him down. Thought I’d share it with you.

For so long, women have asked this simple, but elusive question, “Why does he shut down when I start to talk about how I feel and what I want?” What seems so perplexing is that they can remember a time (usually early in their dating relationship) when they felt they could say anything to him without hesitation.  In addition, they can also remember that he actually seemed to enjoy these discussions that were often full of emotions. So they are left to ask themselves - “Why did he change?” or even worse…”What did I do wrong?”
Let me explain what’s happening to him during this process.

Men have the capacity to feel emotions for shorter periods of time than women. Put another way, when men feel, they feel intensely, and then they crash. This applies to sex, when they feel romantic and applies anything else in their life that arouses their passions. Even though I hear women tell me that they understand this point, I have found it is still hard for them to accept when this scenario happens in their relationships.
When a man is very attentive and hyper focused on what you are saying, I want you to remember this…it isn’t going to last. Even though it feels wonderful to be adored in such a captivating manner that is often intoxicating, you must remind yourself not to expect it to last indefinitely. The good news is that if you know how to respond when he does pull away, you will hasten his emotional awakening to you.

The process looks like this:
A man feels intensely about you.
Then he cools off (he needs to take an emotional break).
Then he warms up again and feels intensely.
Then he cools off.
Continue and repeat.

Here is some good advice for women about the things you shouldn’t do. In fact, if you take the following actions, he’ll stay emotionally distant for much longer:
1) Don’t ask him to explain his feelings.
2) Don’t tell him how much it hurts you when he doesn’t talk.
3) Don’t beg him to ……..(Really, don’t ever beg him for anything. You’ll end up driving him away)

Instead you should do the following. When he is quiet, sit with him. Don’t say anything. When you do this, both of you will find that it becomes just a bit tense - uncomfortable. You want this to happen. Silence is uncomfortable but in this case silence is your friend. If you can practice allowing there to be silence between both of you, you will notice him beginning to ask you questions.
“What’s wrong,” he’ll say.
“What?”
When he does, just smile. He’s not ready just yet, but he is curious. Now you’ll have him thinking and wondering. Most women would never consider such a tactic, which is what will make you stand out in his eyes. Shortly, he’ll not only start talking, but he’ll find himself focused on you.

I see so many people asking questions about how to get a men to commit to a relationship. Most of the time the women are frustrated when they’ve done everything they know to do (which is usually too much) and their man still shies away from commitment.  They think  maybe he just doesn’t know how to communicate his commitment and they assume he is committed.  (Big mistake). Or often they think it’s something they haven’t done or something they haven’t done enough of that will win his heart and get him to commit.

One of the biggest secrets that most women don’t understand is that a man who has difficulty with commitment is also a man that is afraid of being abandoned. Women think that they are the only ones concerned with security in a relationship. They fail to realize that men are also concerned with security and will often think of vulnerability when faced with the decision of commitment. Will I go through all they steps to open up and become vulnerable just to see it all go down the tubes in the future. They may be basing this on a previous experience or the experience of a close friend.

Either way, women must understand that the only way to get him to commit is to alleviate his fears and let him know that through it all you are committed to him. Follow this link  more relationship advice or go to  www.Prelationship.com

Many women are clueless when it come to understanding a man especially when he is quiet and has few words to say.  But when a man does open his mouth to talk it is imperative for the woman to know and understand what he is saying. If she doesn’t, chances are he will think twice before opening his mouth again and will turn into the dreaded “silent man” that most women are desperately trying to avoid. Here are a few relationship tips for women when it comes to understanding what a man means when he says things. It’s not all inclusive but gives some incite into the common responses men give and what they really mean.

1) He Says: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

This phrase could usually mean one of two things, depending on the situation.
Situation A: If you are attempting to convince him that your point of view is right and his is wrong, then his response means: I’m not going to agree with you right now, and if we don’t stop talking then we’re going to get into a
huge fight.”

Suggestion: Leave him alone for now. Unless your relationship depends on resolving this issue immediately, then bring it up later (next day).

If he’s upset, not at you or with you, but simply because he is having a bad day (i.e., a bad day a work, his car broke down, etc..), then the above response means: “It feels embarrassing that this is bothering me so much. I’m feeling out of control.”

Suggestion: Say this to him in a soft voice, “Are you sure?” and then wait. If he says that he does not want to discuss it, then wait a few moments and once again say, - “Are you sure?” Most of the time when you ask it a second time he’ll start opening up to you and (even better) he bond with you because you were soft and persistent.

2) He Says: “We should hang out sometime.”
He Means: “I’m not sure if I think you’re special enough to take a risk on inviting you out on a date. Let’s hang out as friends and see if I feel you are worthy of my time and attention.”

Suggestion: Don’t agree to this. Just smile at him without responding. That should be all the encouragement a man needs. Guys that are easily bored or impulsive want lots of assurances before they proceed to date a woman. They types of men, although often attractive to women, usually make terrible partners.

3) He Says: “That’s not what I meant.”
He Means: “You’re not listening to me.”

Suggestion: Listening is not the same as agreeing. If he doesn’t feel that you’re listening to him, then you have no chance in getting him to understand your point of view. Even though you may well have understood him, he does not necessarily know that. Often in a discussion or disagreement, one person who in fact may clearly understand the other, makes a quick counterpoint. That is fine if you are in a debate, but terrible for romance.

Suggestion: Slow it down. Make sure that you clearly convey that you’ve understood exactly what he is saying and then proceed (slowly). By doing this you’ll be able to determine if he is attempting to avoid responsibility, lying, or if he truly wants to resolve the issue.

Ever wonder why some people are easily noticed in a crowded room and some go totally unnoticed? This relationship tip for both women and men will get you noticed if you practice it on a regular basis.

I saw this story about Ian Ziering (from the popular 1990’s TV show 90210) that describes his first impression of his new wife.

They met at a Labor Day party at the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood in 2009. In a sea of $600 stilettos, $700 bikinis, $800 sunglasses and $900 hair extensions, Erin (his wife) walked in wearing flip-flops, a simple black bikini, Ray-Bans and a ponytail. He was totally mesmerized.

I was struck by what he said and what he didn’t. Most women would love to be noticed in a crowded room and have a man be instantly smitten. However, to accomplish this goal, women often focus on the wrong things. Perfect hair, perfect body, perfect smile, perfect… are you noticing a theme?

But when I (or someone else) suggests to a woman that there is more to attracting and keeping a man than simply being perfect, they smile and say, “I know, I know.” But they don’t believe me because of their bad experiences. In the past, some man has told them that if they weren’t so (overweight, talkative, controlling, needy, etc.), the relationship wouldn’t be ending. So they decide that the way they are - isn’t enough. What I mean by “enough” is that they believe that they are not pretty enough, skinny enough, confident enough and so forth.

It’s not true, you know. Being perfect will certainly get you more invitations and more men turning their heads to look at you, but that wasn’t the quality that Mr. Ziering noticed in his wife. You see, it wasn’t what she wore or the particular style of her hair. It was what came from within that made her outfit and her hairstyle so radiant. In fact, he noticed it so strongly that he married this woman 9 months after they met.

I’m also sure that you’ve probably experienced this yourself at least once in your life. Those times when it seemed every guy was interested in you. Or if you’re in a relationship, can you remember when your man couldn’t seem to get enough of you?  Wouldn’t you like to have that effect most of the time?     Guess what, you can, but here is the catch. This trait isn’t always easy to develop. It takes some practice. It doesn’t take forever; yet, it isn’t something you can develop in a day.

In fact, those women that struggle to obtain this magic usually have one thing in common. They’re impatient. They want it now. When it doesn’t work with every guy - every time they say, “This stuff doesn’t work.” Then they continue to wonder why the relationship they’ve always dreamed of never seems to show up in their lives.

I want to tell you that it can happen. But if you’d like things to be different, then you’ll have to do different things. Simply keeping the same habits and beliefs won’t change your circumstances. Additionally, keeping old habits absolutely won’t cause men to look at you the way Ian Ziering looked at his future wife. But if you want that kind of power, and I mean really want it, then it’s yours for the taking.

Let me show you how to put your heart first, and ahead of any man.  I’ll give you the tip that will cause men to look at you differently - if you agree to try it for at least 3 weeks.

Treat every guy/girl the same.

Be nice to the ugly guy/girl and the overweight one. Listen to the one who you think is boring and bald. Oh I know, he might just ask you out, but that is a problem you want to have. You see there is no magic formula for only attracting the man or woman you want. There is only the magic that attracts men and women. Those you want and those you don’t. You’ll end up turning down most of these invitations but something inside of you will begin to change.

Practice treating them all the same, and I promise that the ones you like will notice that you seem to have a content beauty that makes you stand out across a crowded room, even if you’re just wearing flip flops with your hair in a ponytail.

Give it a try for 3 weeks straight and report back with your results. You’ll be amazed.

I ran across a great article from one of my favorite media experts on relationships, Bob Grant.  It’s entitled “She Admires - He Cherishes”.  It really drives the point across about what REALLY turns a man’s fancy and what really makes a fulfilling relationship. Read and enjoy:

“What does a healthy relationship look like? Some people believe that this means that two people engaging in a mutually respectful relationship. On paper that may sound good. But to be honest, there’s no passion in that kind of safe and sterile relationship. A relationship that is full of passion has many characteristics. There is one in particular that I wanted to point out.”

Note, one  major key ingredient to a fulfilling relationship is passion.

“The best relationships don’t focus on equality, but rather on two people complimenting each other. This is like two pieces of a puzzle. Each one needs the other to be complete. If you want the type of man that makes you feel special most of the time, then I’d like to make a suggestion. Forget trying to get him to talk about his feelings all the time. Stop asking him questions that are designed to make him reaffirm his love for you. Instead, for the next few weeks focus on pointing out anything he does that you are impressed by.”

Note, the key is focusing on giving to get what you want.  Give him admiration and he will cherish you.

“Talk to him about anything that he does that you feel is special or kind. In other words, look for ways to show your admiration for him.If you do, you’ll stand out in his mind from any other woman he has every dated. And here is the reason why. Most women are very observant early on in a relationship because they tend to emote emotions. If you didn’t know, a man feeds off of that emotion, and for women it’s quite effortless to do this when she’s interested in a man. What happens in most relationships is that each partner begins to take the other for granted, and each wonders where the romantic spark went.”

Key Point!  Men feed off positive emotion. Especially when it’s in response to something they have done or something that relates to them.

“The truth is that relationships often die due to neglect. If you want to revive your relationship, try this. Whenever he does something you like, don’t just acknowledge it - show your emotions. I’m not asking you to lie or pretend you like something that you don’t, but I am saying this, “Don’t hold back your emotion when you like something he does.” When you show your admiration, he’ll be reminded why he pursued you at the beginning of your relationship. As those feelings get stirred up in his heart, you’ll soon see that he will want to cherish you all over again.”

Remember, show and tell and you’ll get and receive.

The search for Mr./Ms. Right can sometimes be a long and frustrating experience.  Romantic relationships don’t often come by luck but rather, as the cliche’ says, “when opportunity and preparedness meet”.  The sad truth is that opportunities abound but they are often overlooked by the unprepared. Even when potential relationships do not progress as anticipated, many times frustration will cause us to just give up and begin looking elsewhere. However, it would be to our best interest to spend time fostering that potential connection with a possible partner in anticipation that Mr./Ms. Right will soon appear.

If you feel romantic about someone, by all means flirt and clearly communicate that you are interested in pursuing the relationship past friendship so that the other person knows of your interest. Take it slow, but not too slow!  Whatever you do, endeavor to do whatever you can so that the initial excitement and momentum do not fade away. Within that initial excitement and momentum you will usually find your answer.  (Is this Mr./Ms. Right?) Once you have your answer your next steps will be easily determined from there.

Remember these tips for singles who want to be prepared:

1) Always define yourself by who you are, not by who you’re with. Don’t try to be everything to everybody. Just aim to be the best “you” you can be.

2) Build your confidence.  Men and women alike are attracted to confident people with high self-esteem. Lack of confidence is easily detected by potential partners.  It gives off the vibe that you aren’t ready to fully enjoy a new relationship with someone because you aren’t yet content with yourself. To help build confidence, you can read Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.

3) Know thyself, don’t fool thyself! Take the time to know yourself, develop your personality, and learn to like yourself. These are important skills to have before seeking a mate. You’ll be better prepared and equipped to approach a new partner with more to offer.

4) Invest in yourself. You might want to think about taking a self-esteem seminar, or maybe a workshop about building relationships. There are so many  books to read on relationships and dating that there is no excuse for ignorance.  Check out the website www.prelationship.com where you’ll find relationship tips and advice and lots of step-by-step instructions on approaching men and women, making the transition from friendship to romantic relationship, and ultimately finding the elusive Mr./Ms. Right.

Self-esteem plays a major factor in the frequency of your dating experience.  If you are looking to date successfully you need to increase your confidence level.  Increasing your confidence and self-esteem takes effort. Some things are easy to change, while others will take time and lots of practice. Remember, “Nothing can be achieved without trying”.  Unless you feel good about yourself, the only way you will attract someone is through an online dating service. Even then it’s likely that the person you attract will soon discover your true feeling about yourself.   Follow these dating tips to give your confidence a boost.

• Are you Prepared? Establish whether you’re truly ready to meet someone new. If so, then proceed. If not, take your time.
• Know your weaknesses. - Make two lists. The first is a list of  all the things you are not comfortable with about yourself. Be brutally honest. The second is a list of  things you think people may not like about you. Get a second opinion, too. Include the way you look and the way you dress. Things you can readily change.
• Take short term action. Change the things you think you can do better. By changing the most basic aspects of your looks, lifestyle and regime, you will instantly feel more confident. You will have a new you.
• Reflect - Take a good look at the new you. Ensure you are comfortable with any changes you make.
• Take long term action. Make sure you are in shape or attempting to be. If you are dieting or exercising, remember to be patient as these changes will take a little while.  Start to change the habits and routines that drag you down. Your confidence will grow as you feel better about yourself and others will sense it.
• Change your associations. If you associate with negative people or people who criticize you, lose them fast. Start doing the things you wish you had always had the courage to do, like a hobby, sport or society. Then find people who enjoy the same things. Surround yourself with like minded people as often as possible.
• Change your attitudes. Learn to enjoy the smaller things in life and give yourself time specifically for these things. If you like to cook for friends, then start having dinner parties. Don’t wait for others to invite you out.  Stop accepting second best. Start making yourself the first priority. Learn to like and love yourself for who you are and what you want from your life. Do not allow negative family comments to influence you in any way.
• Broaden your perspectives. - By looking and feeling good about yourself and widening your horizons, your life will begin to change for the better and your confidence levels will go up. Be selective about what kind of person you really like. And by the same token, talk to everyone. The more people who are interested, the higher your confidence levels. Make conversation with the nice people you meet along the way. Become sociable and look good at every opportunity. Be your own best advert.
• Start dating. If someone asks you out, accept. Set yourself some life goals as well as romantic goals. Other people love to be associated with driven and goal-orientated people. Confidence breeds confidence. Be proactive and ask someone out. Just do it, and accept freely that some people will say no. Many will also say yes. Remember that your confidence levels will become sky high by people saying yes to you. This will happen when you select the right kind of dates, so keep a realistic approach to dating. Walk away from anything you don’t like and instill a positive mental attitude in everything you do.
• Keep it going. Stick with it and just keep going. Don’t go back to what there was before. That’s over.

Men are always looking for ways to get their relationship to last but they seldom find the answers until it’s too late.  As the saying says “hindsight is 20:20″. So what’s the secret to long term relationships with women? Here is some  relationship advice for men who are looking for long term relationship success with women.

One common mistake men make is to pay attention to what women say they want.  Instead of listening to their words you got to take notice of their behavior and figure out what they really want. If you know what they really want you can adjust your approach to accentuate the things they are really looking for and minimize the things that would lessen your chances for a long term relationship.

When you analyze what they say and what they finally do it becomes obvious that the two are not the same.  Many women say that they want one type of man but end up going out with and having relationships with their opposite.  They tend to follow and be guided by their subconscious mind.

When it comes to long term relationships, a woman’s  maternal instinct is usually going to be predominant. So, women end up looking for somebody, often subconsciously,  who will make a good father for her children.

They will look for security and a man that will care for her children and give them all that they need. They look for a man who possesses a confident attitude and exhibits stability. Because of this, the man’s job and salary carries a lot of weight and a man with a steady job and consistent income will have the advantage.  In addition, women will often associate the strength of a man with his capacity for providing for her children.

If you are in a relationship or even pursuing a long term relationship with a woman, remember these important tips and keep in mind the things she is going to consider.  Be prepared to pass the test and assure her that  she, and most importantly, her future children will be in good hands.